On relationships: Hong Kong women would rather die alone than date Hong Kong men (Part 9)

Recently, I read an article about how Hong Kong women would rather die alone than date Hong Kong men.  The article can be summarised as follows:  Many women who are educated and have careers and want a man who’s financially independent, earning from HK$80,000 to HK$100,000 a month;  on the other hand, such men often look for women who willing to stay at home and look after children.  Both sides are unwilling to budge.

Hong Kong men’s long list of shortcomings

In the article, men are berated as “unrealistic” for asking women to “sacrifice” their freedom.  They are also criticised for not being “gentlemen-like.”  One woman describes a gentlemen as one who picks up a girl, opens the door for her, picks up the bill, and sends her home.  Another woman said that Hong Kong men are incapable of genuine communication, have low standards for themselves, fear commitment, and lack self-confidence.

Many women long for independence and freedom

I think a problem is that many women don’t want to settle for less and their expections of men often clashes with that of men.  Many Hong Kong women are independent and career driven.  But is looking after children a “sacrifice”?  I believe the real issue is value judgment.  Nowadays, many want to develop their own careers for their own satisfaction whereas in our parents’ generation, family comes first.

A self-centred society where people only think of themselves

I believe that children are the most important thing in the world.  More important than money.  More important than power.  Everything one achieves – they are meant to be given to children.  Whether it is what you have, or legacy to be remembered for, they are for our next generations.  But others might believe that achievements are personal endeavours for themselves.  Their career is theirs.  Their money is theirs.

Success is having a choice rather than achieving for yourself

I believe that children are our success.  If I become a father, I really won’t mind being a stay-at-home dad and work part-time from home if I have the resources to do so.  If children are so important, why entrust domestic helpers to raise our babies?  I believe that success isn’t how much you earn so you can hire a stranger to take care of your own kin in your own home.  Success is having a choice, and the ability to be there for those you love.

Being a mother is more than just a “sacrifice” but something more

Before we think about “sacrifice”, we should think about what’s most important in life.  If it is ourselves before children, then so be it.  That’s a choice we can make.  But if it is to raise a happy family, then taking care of children shouldn’t be considered a “sacrifice.”  In fact, I believe that being able to raise your own child to be the most precious moments in life.  Being a part of a child’s life cannot be looked at as “sacrifice.”

A mother’s love is the most powerful force in the world

In fact, a bond between mother and child is the most important relationship there is in humanity.  I’m jealous of mothers.  The way my mother loves me, I will never be able to truly understand because I’ll never be a mother.  I believe a mother’s love for her child is the most powerful force in this world.  Surely, I don’t think raising your own child is just a “sacrifice.”  It is a privilege.  I think this is where the conflict lies.

You cannot have your cake and eat it too

Finally, are men unreasonable for looking for women to take care of children?  In Chinese culture, men are expected to provide and women expected to be caretakers.  The question is – if women desire a man to fulfill his traditional gender role, will she also fulfill hers?  You cannot have your own cake and eat it.  Likewise, a man who desires a housewife cannot expect to turn a career oriented woman into one.  Both men and women should be realistic in their expectations.

I am not sure whether Hong Kong men are not “gentlemen-like.”  But I do know that it takes time to raise a gentleman.  Men need to be taught to act like a gentleman.  And if you do meet one, he probably expects you to be a lady too.  Otherwise, you need to be patient to let him know your expectations and see if he is able to meet them.  You also need to find out his expectations of you as well.  It’s a two way process.  This is what’s often missing in our society.

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One thought on “On relationships: Hong Kong women would rather die alone than date Hong Kong men (Part 9)

  1. The selfish “winner/loser” mentality is not exclusive to Hong Kong. But since most my experience comes from Hong Kong, allow me to share. This type of thing is not a cultural thing but why people become assholes is undoubtedly influenced a great deal by the society in which they live, which includes how they are treated by others, how people around them behave, and the material and idealistic paradigms that are forced upon them through local film, advertisements, and other media.

    What happens when a simple guy wines and dines a lady, places his coat in the puddle before a lady to walk, and buys the dozen roses? Hollywood says: fall hopelessly in love, fade to black like the 1940’s films that the recent La La Land seeks so much to satire and contrast. Hong Kong says, he will do all those things but rather than a thank you or a gratitude, his local Hong Kong gal will sit with arms folded while he pays as she is playing her fucking instagram to post the Michelin star meal she’s just consumed, The number of likes from her peers will not only determine how much effort that HE has put in, but will also determine whether she has exceeded the socio-economic standards of her peers and followers. Now to get home, of course he has to drive her. No car? Well then if she is still with you and not stormed off, then he had better take the bloody train back with her (if it’s 12:50am after – taxi and don’t skimp on the Western Harbour Tunnel).

    Seems harsh, but that was such a common occurrence when I first got here. It hit my North American raised morals and standards hard. These were not chivalrous gestures, they were bare no frills minimum standard. I’ll get back to this.

    Hong Kong men are no idiots though. They have heard these stories or written similar sad tales on Golden forums. The result is they are on the defensive from the outset. How to try to avoid paying for the expensive meal, get out of the whole gift and flowers thing, and not bringing the girl back to Fanling from Central when you live in Cheung Chau – becomes this huge strategic game a lot of guys play. Maybe you’ll get some for forking out the least effort. Or you lose because you do all you’re “supposed to” but she still doesn’t choose you. Let’s be honest, the guy wanting to chase a girl versus even the mediocre looking girl with tons of suitor “soldiers”. Hong Kong man, sorry, but you’re likely going to have a bad time at this game. But it is this winner-take-all mentality that has poisoned not only the dating scene and image of potential lovers, but the moral fabric of the new generation of Hong Kongers.

    Why do we think it’s win lose as Mr. HongKongHolics suggests? Because one side must inevitably put themselves out there first for the other person to see it can be done. But in doing so, you depend on the other side not to take advantage of you when you offer. Nobody likes to lose, and almost everyone in Hong Kong has been to Macau. You quit while you’re ahead – get your dinner/new gift handbag/flowers/fuck/blowjob, tally up the points and try to take the house before it takes you.

    Conclusion: It is far easier for two people to carry a one boulder together than for one person carry it while piggybacking the other person underneath. I suppose it’s easier to be carried. And when someone offers to do, where is the incentive to walk?

    Liked by 1 person

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